Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I'm so happy. So very happy. I think my chest will explode.

It's impossible not to feel both wistful and proud when I hear my Emie regale tales of her day. It's another opportunity to remember that indeed she is becoming her very own person. Last night we went out to dinner and had such a fun time. Ainsley wanted to sit outside for a bit so after Dirk was finished he took her to an outdoor table. Note that we were at Freebirds World Burrito so it's not as though we messed up the universe of any reservation schedule. The menu's on a chalkboard.

When it was just me and Emie at the table, I asked her about her day. About recess and lunch. The two places where it all happens when you're seven. I asked her if she had a chance to be a friend to someone. Someone who needed a friend. I hope I'll always remember what her face looked like before she even started to tell me about it. How her eyes lit up and her dimples plunged, it was as though someone had just plugged in a thousand Christmas lights in a dark room. That.little.face.

She shared with me that her friend Jay was a bit sad on the bus ride home. She told him a made up a story about him, their mutual friend on the bus, and herself. One which had them all laughing hysterically before the end. My firstborn experienced something sacred today. To feel the unsurpassed joy of bringing someone else a smile when they just can't muster one themselves. To make someone laugh when they have already realized that life really isn't very funny. I know she's done this before. She's been spreading the joy around like so much glitter since she was a babe - but for her to get how amazing that feels - Well that's the stuff of glory.

I reached across the table and held her squarely on the shoulders and said "Do you have any earthly idea how amazing you are? How crazy beautiful and amazing you are? You?" Or as much as I could before she recanted, "Mom" in the way that has four syllables. I wanted to stop time and record every sparkle in her eye. Every long eyelash. How her lips were red as cherries. She's growing up so fast. The other day on the way to church she was talking (with great knowledge) about the Revolutionary war. She later explained to her sister (who had asked) what formal attire was. How does she know all of these things already when she was just crawling a few minutes ago? The years go by so very, very fast.

Oh, this job is so hard sometimes. It takes everything I have some days to hold it together as a mom when it's all about pouring myself out and into the lives of the little lovies. The Lord refills me readily but there are days when I'm weary. But yesterday, well it was different. I was on top of the world. I got one of those this is why I'm doing what I'm doing moments. It is a privilege denied to many to get to pour into a real life. An individual sparkly, gorgeous, unique, not-my-own life.

Lord Grantham's words sum it up so very well. "I'm so happy. So very happy. I think my chest will explode."

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