Thursday, February 16, 2012


So Ainsley and I have been spending a good bit of time together these days. After we moved here I began (in earnest) a search for a little preschool for her to attend a morning or two a week. Well, as I should have guessed, everything's big in Texas! They don't do a morning or two a week they do "Mommy's Day Out". As in the whole day and not just one day but at least two and how about three. Though the idea of having all of that time to myself was more than a wee tempting, I just didn't feel right in my heart about missing all of those hours with the lovie. She's growing so fast. The moments so fleeting. And as I've said before, there's just no one like Ainsley. She is her own little bird. Such a sweet homebody who loves nothing more than to be in her jammies all the livelong day right at home with me. Much as structure is a wonderful development tool, I was reasonably sure that sending her away for three of five days of the week might just rock her world to its precious core. The risk was not worth it to me and the place I really liked didn't have any openings until next year:)

The place I found is through a local church that came highly recommended. One walk through the place and I wanted to enroll myself as a student. Lovely place, lovely people, lovely philosophy. So the bluebird will go there in seven months when we're both a little more ready for some time apart. I'm so excited for her to go. I'm having her little darling bookbag embroidered with her name in the cutest font. Having a precious little cover made for her nap mat and planning already just how cute her little lunch bag will be. All the same, we just weren't ready to say goodbye to one another for so many of the hours in our week. We've become quite a pair us two. I am treasuring the alone time we have after so much of our time has been divided with dear Emie. As I've said before, I'm altogether aware that Ainsley love has never known a mommy with undivided attention. She met me as a mother of two and so I shall always be. But I'm so glad to sneak the moments where we can just hang together and she is really good company.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Deja Vu All Over Again

It's the start of a new year which makes my heart happy and full. I do love a fresh canvas and new beginnings. In the rear view mirror to 2011 I can't come up with a lot to say other than, "Did that just happen?" It was, unquestionably, the fullest, deepest, richest, longest year of my life so far.

Before 2010 even ended we were contemplating opportunities for change presented to us and as you well know by early spring 2011 we had decided to make one of the most significant leaps we little comfortable ones can make: to change our address. I hope I won't forget what it felt like to walk through Honeysuckle Court across the dark walnut floors (we laid ourselves) for the last time.

To look once more at all of the trim and cabinetry changed from honey oak to purest white that took more than a few "Blast it" moments to complete. Bless Dirk's heart.

The house was home for us for more than eight years. Not an eternity but the biggest whole of our married life. Inside those walls I experienced the fullest joys, the heartiest laughs, the most searing grief and so many lessons learned along the way.

I can still picture in my mind's eye just exactly where I was standing when I was ministered to like healing balm as "Blessed be the Name" played to my broken heart after learning our first daughter had died in utero. I can also remember just where I was on my knees begging God to take my desire to mother right out of my heart if He didn't have that for me. I can remember where I was upstairs when I felt clear as a bell's toll the affirmation to read Joel chapter 2 and the message of hope that spoke straight to me. I can see myself carrying in the tiniest bundle of pink across the grassy lawn in front of the cul de sac only one year later. And where I was two years later when I got the call from my precious believing OB nurse who uttered the words, "God has been very good to us today. You are very pregnant." Announcing the pending arrival of the one and only Ainsley love. Home.