Friday, August 5, 2016

Sweet Sixteen with the Leader of the Band

For sixteen years I have been Dirk's wife. He's seen me fancied up for parties and rumpled up from the flu. He's heard me speak kind words softly and heard the sharp tone of my snappy retorts. He's enjoyed gourmet meals lovingly prepared and swallowed burned biscuits served in silence. But for more than three decades of his life, he didn't experience any of these things. He didn't know me, and I didn't know him.

I don't always think about how much of our lives have been spent apart, but it is good to remember. It's good to take into account the full lives we lived before we were Melinda110 and Dirk509 on Christian Connection. I was well set in my career twelve miles inland from Malibu, and he'd just completed doctoral coursework at Arizona State when we met. We had lives - full single lives - before we ever became husband and wife. We both had no interest in marrying unless we felt a union would enhance our already bountiful lives. Much to our surprise, a trial on an online dating service lead us into the best merger we could have imagined. But we were individuals for a long time before we were a couple.

This week we're up in northern Minnesota visiting Dirk's parents, and I'm surrounded by the history of the man who married me. Some of it feels familiar after so many years together. I recognize him in the childhood pictures his mother still has on the wall. I know where the tree house used to be in the backyard. But this trip, I got to hear some tales I'd never heard before because they were told by people outside of the family who knew Dirk before he ever knew me.

Dirk's class reunion was last weekend, and it was a surprisingly great time. These things can be both terrible and wonderful depending on who attends and what expectations are in the room. But this was actually great fun. His class is full of interesting characters who have gone on to become engineers, attorneys, sales executives, architects, and parents. Person after person came up to me to introduce themselves and tell me about Dirk through their eyes. I felt myself well with pride the way you do when you first start dating someone and hear privately, "He's a catch," or "He's the nicest guy." And your reassurance grows as you realize it's not just you who thinks he's a keeper. But to feel such advocacy sixteen years in, well, that's a sweet surprise.

Dirk's high school is this amazing place which actually has a spot on the National Register of Historic places. It was built by a mining company back in 1923 who were displacing the town after discovering valuable iron ore under the existing city. To make the move more palatable to the residents who highly valued education, they promised to build a "castle in the woods" for the students. And that they did as they spent $4 million on the building in 1923!

The 1800 seat auditorium was modeled after the Capital Theatre in New York with crystal chandeliers currently insured for $250K a piece. The stalls in the bathrooms are separated by solid marble slabs and the dressing rooms off stage were outfitted with box lights around mirrors like the finest in Hollywood.  As a result, the drama and band department at the school was widely acclaimed, and all the kids wanted the honor of being part of these programs.  Aside from the band's leader, who is kind of a legend around town to this day, there was one drum major who won the respect of his classmates and is still upheld as the best they ever had: Dirk Mattson. I mean, I knew this, to some extent. I knew he'd been the drum major in the band, and people mentioned how good he was when we'd bump into them on visits. But to have dozens of people come up to me to make a point to speak to me about the lasting impact of his leadership on them and how irreplaceable he remains even today got my attention. So many whispered, "He's such a good guy," or "You married well," into my ear as they walked away, and I knew they spoke truth.

We can get pretty familiar with the story of our marriage, assuming we know the key characters and setting. But I'm grateful to be introduced to the prologue and what set the stage for the chapters we've written together.  The sum total is a sacred and beautiful tale full of  more than a few plot twists and even a villain or two, depending on the page or day of the week. But after sixteen years, here's what I know: Dirk is a keeper, it turns out, just as I suspected he would be. It was wonderful to hear so many people lean in and agree with me at the reunion. But what I treasure most in our story are the pages known only to me, the excerpts reserved just for husband and wife.

Building a life with stories wide open is nothing short of holy. It takes guts to share the not so favorable parts and even more courage to turn the page. I love the back stories which brought us to this anniversary, and I look forward to chapters still unwritten.  

Here's to sweet sixteen with the drum major.

He's a good leader indeed.

Where he marches, I will follow.

1 Comment so far - Add yours!

  1. If I could write as well as you, I would say how fortunate we Mattsons are to have you. All our boys have married hard working, God-fearing, delightful gals who have become wonderful wives and mothers.
    Thank you for writing such a lovely testimony to our son. We have enjoyed your visit and look forward to being with you again. How blessed we would be if we could enjoy our TX and AZ loved ones and enjoy the sunshine in winter. It is a pleasant dream I keep for my musings. Love to both of you on this day and the tomorrows to come. pat